There Is A 0.0% Chance The Browns Lose Tonight, I Guarantee It

Maybe it’s recency bias but last week was the most embarrassed I’ve ever been to be a Browns fan. I know we’ve had 1000 moments worse than the worst moment in other franchises’ entire history, but last week was the worst of it for me. Every year we’re expected to lose, so it’s okay. This year, I expected to win. The amount of hype we had coming into this season was so high that the haters came out in full force all summer and preseason, and Browns fans like myself chose to run our mouths instead of taking the wait and see approach. Well that sucked, because we came out and played perhaps the most disturbing game football I’ve ever seen. 18 penalties for 182 yards. A punch in the face. And an ejection for a kick in the face. Oh, and Baker threw 3 picks. It was awful. And I’m SHOCKED the Browns came out and laid a dud in Week 1.

And obviously the media and internet has not let up on us this week. I don’t care what anyone says. I still think we’re a good team, but I will agree that the amount of confidence and personality on this team absolutely could not add up to that type of result on Sunday. If we’re going to talk the talk, we need to walk the walk. Warren Sapp did a pretty good job explaining that one…

Fair enough. But as bad as we looked and as undisciplined as we were, I know I should be humbled and shut my mouth. And I wish I could. It’s the right thing to do. But an even more righter thing to do is to tell you how I truly feel and to speak the truth, so that’s what I’m going to do:

There is a 0.0% chance the Browns lose tonight.

Yeah, I’m using the G word. What do you want if we lose? Chain myself to a statue in Chicago? Cover all of the losing moneyline bets? RESIGN? Sorry folks, none of that is happening anyways, cause the Browns ain’t losing. If you know anything about the game of football and the way the world works, you know that as bad as things unfolded last week against the Titans, literally everything is going for us tonight against the Jets.

– The Browns have heard alllll week about how they’re the same old Browns. Once again the laughing stock of the league. How they need to actually win something before talking. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The Browns are going to come out tonight like they’ve been caged dawgs, and they’re ready to EAT.

– OBJ is returning to New York with a chip on his shoulder. His return to the Big Apple….he hates Gregg Williams….and he got embarrassed last week. Hammer every single OBJ prop bet tonight because this dude is going to have a MONSTER game.

– The Jets are injured.

I know Bell should play tonight, until Myles Garrett puts that weak shoulder through the ground on his first carry to the outside, but the fact of the matter is that Trevor Siemian is starting tonight under center tonight for the Jets. Trevor Siemian! If the Browns lose to Trevor Siemian then I may quit. Not at Barstool. At life.

–  Even if the Jets were healthy, they still stink. The Browns talent level will not let them lose this game.

– Baker Mayfield owns the Jets. Never lost in his entire career to them.

– This is a MUST WIN game for the Browns. It’s only been one week but Cleveland is playing with their backs against the wall tonight. I know the Jets are 0-1 too, but they’re gonna go like 6-10 whether they win tonight or not. The Browns still have Super Bowl aspirations. Since 2007, only 12% of teams that started 0-2 have made the playoffs. And if we lose tonight, not only would we be up against those odds, we’re also up against the Rams in Week 3 and at the Ravens in Week 4. Could you imagine an 0-4 start?? But that’s only IF we make it that far. I think if the Browns lose tonight, tomorrow will be Armageddon.

Luckily, we’re not losing tonight.