Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview + Predictions – The “Haggard Spurs vs Bumbling United” Edition

Sam’s Safe Space for Soccer Stoolies

Yo Haters™,

I’m really happy for you, and Ima let you finish but this really just happened:

All those years of grinding our dicks off finally paying off for us

Sorry haters. #B2BWCW confirmed.

Now for the weekend ahead…

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Scores from last weekend:

POWER RANKINGS

TOP 4
1. Liverpool
2. Everton
3. Lester
 4. Arsenal

Honorable mention: City, United, Tottenham

BOTTOM 3
20. Fulham
19. West Brom
 18. Sheffield Utd

Dishonorable mention: Burnley

Table as things stand:

And the schedule for the weekend ahead:

PICKS OF THE WEEKEND

United [-105]
Tottenham [+274]
Draw [+258]

It has been a long, long, long, longgggggggggggggggg 12 months only made longer having to re-live it via the “All or Nothing” show on Amazon but Daniel Levy must have developed a brain tumor or something because he has been spending like he has never spent before:

I am more optimistic about Spurs than I have been in quite some time. That said, I have several strong hankerings at the moment, including (1) Tottenham’s heavy early season schedule of make-belieague and Europa cup games is going to take a toll at some point, (2) United is better than they have looked so far this season and most importantly (3) anytime something good happens to Spurs – saaaaaaaaay, they buy a bunch of new players and people get excited – the soccer gods do something to bring the club back down to earth… and what better way than dropping a deuce against a club whose fanbase is up in arms about their lack of spending! 

Prediction: United to win 2-1

Leeds [+535]
City [-265]
Draw [+420]

Last week was one of City’s worst performances under Pep Guardiola – if not the worst. Credit to Lester to taking advantage of damn near every opportunity they had but City just plain crumbled. So as much as I love Leeds, and think they absolutely have a chance because (a) Bielsa and (b) City is both acclimating new players and missing key guys [notably Aguero]… this feels like a game that City is going to find a way to win ugly. If not

BEST BET OF THE CENTURY: over, Over, OVER…  yeah yeah, City is missing Aguero and Jesus, but their defense is questionable and Leeds can both score and get scored on at any moment by any opponent. Hammer the over and thank me later (right after you retire).

Prediction: City to win 4-2

Chelsea [-217]
Palace [+510]
Draw [+350]

MAN, those odds are looking miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty tasty for a Palace squad that has been surprisingly decent so far against an unpredictable (at best) Chelsea squad that is fresh off GIVING UP THREE GOALS TO WEST BROM. The Blues’ defense is gonna be a problem all season. Anyone with a brain knew that coming in. Palace has looked livelier than I was expecting, in part because Wilfried Zaha has been committed (transfer window still open after all) and also Eberechi Eze hit the ground running. That kid is gonna be good. So if you see a “both teams to score” then I’d be all over that. In the end though:

Prediction: Chelsea to win 3-1

*

Some more predictions… to increase the possibility that I eventually get one right, maybe (note: gonna start highlighting my BEST BETS – meaning the ones I legitimately like as opposed to just picking because it's kinda my make pretend job – in BOLD): 

• EVERTON 3-1 Brighton

• Newcastle 1-2 BURNLEY

• LESTER 2-2 West Ham

• SOUTHAMPTON 2-0 West Brom

• Arsenal 1-1 Sheffield Utd [smells like an UNDER waiting to happen]

• WOLVES 2-0 Fulham

• Villa 0-3 LIVERPOOL

REST OF WORLD

MLS – Big game in the East this weekend with Toronto vs Philly on Saturday (6:30pm CT) followed shortly by an inter-conference matchup pitting Dallas vs Columbus (7:30pm CT)

SPAIN – lotta good matchups on paper but best likely to be Barcelona hosting Sevilla on Sunday (2pm CT)

GERMANY – let’s go with Bayern vs Hertha Berlin on Sunday (11am CT)

ITALY – Inter has looked pretty damn impressive so far this season and head to Lazio in a big early season matchup on Sunday (8am CT)

So there we have it. Thanks for reading you beauties!

Holler,
Samuel Army